Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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