i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
