A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
