My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
