Buhtt sex?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
