he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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