I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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