this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
