Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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