In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
