I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
