We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
