That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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