C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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