You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
