my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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