Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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