biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
