Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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