You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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