I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
