Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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