Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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