I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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