I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
