I wish I could punch you in the face.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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