Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
