dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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