I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
