There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
