I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I wear drunk well.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize