Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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