Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
nutella sex= disaster
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
