Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
