i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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