she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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