so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
