hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
