I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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