I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
