Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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