things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
