so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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