Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
