When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
