i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
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will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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