Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
