the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
