i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Randomize
