Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
