My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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