best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
