Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
