Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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