God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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