Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
