I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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