I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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