after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
